It’s going to be a long day. I don’t have a ton of work, and maybe that’s for the best right now. My youngest is going through some pretty crippling anxiety, and I’m loathe to help her.
It’s different when it’s physical. You get to a doctor, you get a diagnosis, meds, and hopefully things will sort without too many return trips. When it’s mental, it’s excruciating to watch and even more difficult to help. I’ve my theories on why now she’d have such a strong attack, but theories don’t help her feel better.
We went to a therapist last night, one who nailed the diagnosis and who has potential to get her over this particular bout of anxiety/depression. This morning, however, things are clearly worse and no amount of talk will soothe her. Talk can’t do it all. Meds must help.
She’s found a job she loves, yet she can’t eat. She can’t sleep. She can’t function outside the 9-to-5 she’s pretended her way through, and now she’s unable to even make it to work today. She’s added one more fear to her growing list — fear of losing a job that fits like a glove. See, it’s only her third day there.
She’s begging for a hospital. She wants, in her own words, the emotions to stop controlling her. She’s cried for three days. In what should be her happiest times, she can’t crack a smile. She wants it to be like a physical cure — someone does something that turns off that switch and allows the light back in. I’m terrified that a trip to a hospital will end in her being admitted and held for way too long. But I’m not sure it isn’t the right solution. I can’t be sure — I’ve little experience in this side of health.
I share this because I’ve always been open with you and this is, right now, a big influence in my mood and my life. I can’t paint on a smile and move on this time, nor should I. If she were physically ill I wouldn’t try — I won’t when the illness moves inward. Plus as she showers and tries to bring herself back down to earth mentally, I’m letting a few tears escape in private. We’ll get her over it. We’ve done so before, when she was 12 and couldn’t get out of bed because of the depression. When she was so anxious about two jobs she hated (sales jobs masked as reception jobs) that she threw up before, during, and after work.
As she becomes an adult, she’s facing the pressure of landing in the world and not knowing if it will support her. I get it. She hasn’t yet, but in time she will gain that confidence. It’s just excruciating to watch my vibrant, confident kid have the ground shift under her.
I have decisions to make (with the therapist, of course) and mothering to do. And I have a client call this afternoon that may not happen. It’s a healthcare client, so I feel safe in explaining the reason.
Today is not a post about writing. It’s one about life and the things we face that, once conquered, give us strength and confidence to face even tougher things. Then again, maybe it’s about writing, too. Even in careers, don’t we face shit we never dreamed we’d have to deal with, and don’t we come up upright despite our fears that we’ll fall and never get back up?
This will make her stronger once she’s overcome it. I’ll be stronger too, because I’ll have experience in how to deal with it should it arise again.
Yea, I guess that’s exactly what it’s like to be a freelancer. Live. Learn. Grow from it.
Oh, Lori. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers. I know what you mean about the frustration of mental illness – there's no physical manifestation of the deep and crippling pain, but it's there. It's so very hard to watch a loved one struggle to pull themselves out of that very dark hole. I'll be sending LOTS of positive energy your way.
Thanks, Kim. That's exactly how it feels. She struggles to feel normal and I ache for her.
I echo what Kim says…good thoughts, prayers, and positive energy all offered up for you and your daughter.
Oh Lori, my heart just aches for your daughter. Keeping her and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang tough, LW. More thoughts & prayers headed your way from AZ.
I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's struggles. I don't have first-hand experience with it. But a friend's young son–who's wonderful–already has anxiety that's affecting his life, and it's just heartbreaking to see. You wish you could fix things–especially for such a great person. But it's not that simple.
On the bright side: being your own boss allows you to take the time needed to help your daughter. Thank goodness for that.
My thoughts are with you and your daughter, Lori. If there's anything any of us can do, I'm sure I speak for everybody in saying, please ask.
Lori, add my thoughts & prayers to the chain. My younger brother had a traumatic brain injury when he was 15. He was hit by a tree in a horrific storm and was not supposed to live through the night. Those who do not know him, do not understand his struggles. It's difficult to see the body of an adult and understand the need is often that of a child.
Strength to you both.
Count me in with the long-distance support and prayers for your daughter. I'm glad she's got you in her corner.
What disturbs me is people who still view anxiety, depression and other mental health issues as a sign of weakness when it's simply a different type of health issue. I remember several elections ago when a presidential candidate admitted to being treated for depression and the opposition used his admission against him. They painted him as weak when it took strength for him to seek treatment (and more strength to be so open about it).
I hope your daughter is feeling better soon.
Add my hugs for you and your daughter and thank you for breaking silence…
There is no shame in mental illness although I'm surprised to find some still think it should be hidden.
Thank you, everyone.
Update: she's eaten and has slept. The crying has stopped, at least for the last few hours. I'm doing what I can to bring her down out of her thoughts and back to earth. Foot massages, showers, giving her banana smoothies to keep her energy up are helping. Plus temporary medication to keep the anxiety at bay isn't hurting. She's heard from her new company and they're very understanding and concerned. That relieved a ton of pressure.
Ronda, Sandy, Jake – Thank you. It helps to know there are prayers coming her way.
Gabriella, it is tough, isn't it? There seems to be no trigger for the meltdown (though I'm certain there was one), which is so strange. She was great on Sunday. A little queasy and sick on Monday, but she thought it was the pizza she ate. I was sure it wasn't and that she was worrying. But her mood was still very positive. It was positive until this morning, when she just couldn't get beyond the sadness.
Cathy, that's terrible. I'm sorry your brother has so much to deal with. Much love to him and you.
Thanks, Paula. I think that's where she's stuck — thinking she'll be judged. So what? If she had a broken leg, would they judge her? If so, those are people not worth knowing.
I somewhat remember that. Depression is not something you see coming or can control. It's a chemical imbalance and it needs to be fixed just like a physical ailment.
Anne, very true. There's no shame in having a mental illness. It may actually be easier to treat than some physical ailments, depending on the severity. I suspect after a few weeks, she'll be sorted and feeling better. Her willingness to get treatment (she called doctors before even telling me she was anxious) is commendable.
My thoughts are with you. Let me know what I can do.
Lori, so sorry to hear about your daughter. I've been through anxiety myself and have a son who cops it fairly hard sometimes.
Many years ago when I was facing my own demons, my therapy group recommended the book 'Living with IT' by Bev Aisbet. It was one of the easiest to read books as a young adult and it really made sense.
Bev now has a website http://www.bevaisbett.com/index.html. Someting that didn't exist all those years ago, but might be worth checking out also.
I guess the biggest thing is realising both you and your daughter are not alone – by talking about these things it's amazing how many you discover have been touched by anxiety or depression or have stories to share and help you through.
I'm sending you and your daughter lots of cyber hugs
When it's your child it is the most difficult. You just want to fix it no matter if they are 5 or 25. I commend you for posting this situation. We are human beings that have lives and when put into perspective you realize how far down the scale writing is. Hang in there and ask for help if you need it. We all need support. Take care, Lori.
When it's your child it is the most difficult. You just want to fix it no matter if they are 5 or 25. I commend you for posting this situation. We are human beings that have lives and when put into perspective you realize how far down the scale writing is. Hang in there and ask for help if you need it. We all need support. Take care, Lori.
Devon, I appreciate the love. Thank you, dear friend.
Fi, thank you. I'll definitely pick up that book and visit her website. I'm glad for people like you who share such valuable resources, and your own experience. Much appreciated.
Wade, thank you. It's true — when it's your child, you want to fix it. You walk that fine line between trying to hug it away to trying to be strong so they'll maybe feel strong, too. We're fortunate — she saw it coming and called her doctor immediately. I'm glad she's in touch with her mental self. It makes healing that much easier.
Tough road ahead, but it could be so much worse. I'm grateful to you all for the love, prayers, and healing thoughts. I'll keep you updated.